Thinking of possible reasons, I think it may be because I am undergoing through so much stress lately. I’ve been wanting to change my perspective of things, but as I see it, what I am doing isn’t giving me the motivation that I need in order to develop my love for the profession that I have studied for years. It’s like I am an empty vessel walking on this earth with broken soul and hollow mind. Where I think am (in a figurative sense) gave me bitterness and misery. I come to work not because I thought I’m fulfilling my purpose but because I have a job to finish. I hate MONDAYS and longed for the days to leap fast to FRIDAYS. I teach not because it is my passion but because I had no choice but to make a living. I feel like every day is a burden and nothing could make me happier but long breaks. I even thought of applying for a job far from the nature of teaching just so I could take the break that I desired. I am always anxious and worried. I easily get nervous and I tend to forget things a lot. Happiness is no longer with me and I am starting to think that such happiness becomes a destination, not a journey. If my life would be taken today, I don’t think I could go peacefully. I don’t think I am prepared for death seeing how tangled and messed up my life is.
Typing all these words, I came to realize that it’s true. Younger years make us great dreamers. Growing up made us realize that the world is a compromise where we think of dreams as luxuries and reality as harsh teachers. We learned to limit our goals and try hard to be contented with what we have not because we thought we are becoming too ambitious, but because we are not capable enough to reach the original goals that we have set. We take jobs that dull our sparkle and we wear ourselves out to please our bosses. We listened to too many self-help talks and read too many self-help books trying to extract inspirational thoughts that will fuel us ahead. We’ve been trying to constantly recite mantras that will raise our confidence and make us conquer our fears but most of the time all of those courage and confidence remained bottled up inside and what we are in reality is a timid, inferior person becoming bitter to those who achieved the image we want to have. We looked up to too many successful people and tried to shape our lives the same way they did. We forgot to become true to ourselves and resorted to face the world with our pretentious masks because we thought the majority know better than us. Following the crowd means following the right track. We have copied others’ road maps and completely disregarded the possibility of going where we wanted to using our own compass. We have lost our ways after making fake choices reflexively. We have defined success using others’ definitions and measured success using others’ yardsticks. We have been too immersed in the culture of popularity that we could no longer peel our true selves beneath the layers of pretenses that built up ever since we decided to follow others’ footsteps.
Pensively thinking of the way I have led my life, I realized that I’m one of those people. And I am writing this not to gain sympathy or to increase the number of readers in this website but because like others, I am one of those who are trying to make sense of their decisions and those who are trying to define life and success with their own yardsticks. I am one of those people who try to keep themselves together in a world where people seemed to be too competitive and genuine relationships are forgotten. We have valued the mainstream definition of life and success that we always thought we are living our sad lives and every day is nothing but a day to comfort our hurt selves. We have become used to unfulfilled dreams and we have seen the world not in its vivid colors but in its monochromatic atmosphere.
I am one of those people who zone out suddenly and stare into nothingness. One of those who played their lives in rewind in their heads and think about how they could not bear the idea of being stuck in a situation like where they are right now. One of those who daydream. One of those who tried so hard. One of those who overthink and imagine the worst cases possible. One of those who think it is impossible to shift their lives to the better angle. One of those who post positive quotes and remarks on social media when they feel so down and discouraged. One of those who still see a slice of hope despite the big chunk of their lives that their pessimistic selves have taken. But most of all, I am one of those who hope that they will find their true selves, forgive themselves for messing up, embrace their imperfections and enjoy the journey of life.
We are our own sunshine. We will worry less and one day we will have a blast. We may still be so far to where we wanted to go but I hope we will find patience and we will not be disheartened. I hope we will stay with the truth that everything has a purpose and all works in our favor even if we see it as otherwise. We may get lost sometimes but I hope we will still find our way. I hope we will not feel so burdened and that we may always remember that we are never alone. I hope we will not be too cautious to the point that we are choosing to be stagnant than to move forward. I hope we will choose to be happy and that we make others happy with what we do. I hope we won’t think too much and feel too little. I hope we won’t imprison ourselves in a cage that we have made ourselves. May we be free-spirited and courageous in life. Even if sometimes, or worst, most of the time make decisions that we regret, or make mistakes, I hope we will still forgive ourselves and learn from it. I hope we will not wear ourselves out too much. Whenever we are tired, let us rest, not quit. We deserve a break when life gets tough. Let us be proud knowing we have come this far!
Anajean J.
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