Well, it must have been so natural for others to see me as a part of someone else. Most people seemed so used to seeing me with someone that I heard so much comments that dwell about how I am incapable of going somewhere else without such person. It made me feel sick now that I heard those words right from there mouths. Well, it’s really a challenge to carve out your own self when your stuck in an idea shaped by others.
Honestly, I am someone who is easily struck by words. Of all things, a word is basically a major thing that would really change me and the way I see a person. When I hear someone say something that has everything to do with me, I easily get hurt. I am friendly but I tend to act hostile seeing them knowing that at one point or another, their words have offended me. That’s why at times when I see myself hanging out with people a lot, I feel drained at one point that I would choose to miss out on anything. I assume no one in the interpersonal spectrum would understand this side of me, so I just keep it to myself.
I don’t know when this started but I have kept so much of my intrapersonal self from everyone that only few people could recognize the me I am confident to show. I have lived as Naj since high school and I think bearing that name brought a misfortune to me. Part of being Naj is shaped by people that she could no longer differentiate what traits to keep as genuinely hers and what to discard knowing that it wasn’t her. Maybe this is the reason why I’m quite struggling. I am not being completely myself that I find it hard to be happy. Whenever I say something to someone whom I thought I could trust, I end up being completely misunderstood that I can’t even finish what I’m supposed to say. Whenever I try to voice out the questions about who I would want to become, or share my pursuit of becoming who I am, the responses from others signaled me to stop thinking about it. I am just the Naj they’re expecting I am, if I go past it, I’m no longer the Naj that they logically knew.
To tell them that I am still not sure who I really am is absurd. Why would I ask such question? Then they would tell me how “what you are is what you are.” Haven’t they thought that maybe I am adjusting so much because this world can’t seem to comprehend “the quiet”?
Up until now, I’m still trying to figure out the real me. And in order to do that I should learn to let go of circumstances and people who can’t help me strip the layers of pretenses that I have worn throughout the years. I believe you will be who you are only if you have reached the guilt-free comfort of living on that certain skin.
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